[Worship] order of service folder for pilot program this summer

[Martha McGovern]

Hi, Adeline --

The overall folder looks very good.  I appreciate what effort it has taken 
to get it to this point!
Of course, I have a few suggestions for improvement.

Martha

Are You a Newcomer?
For smoothness, consider "join us for refreshments and conversation."    The 
tea or coffee wording seems awkward.

We Welcome:  The verb forms and syntax don't seem in parallel.  Consider
"We strive to be a congregation that welcomes all persons, and we are 
committed to structuring . . ."
OR
"We strive to be . . ., and we commit to structure . . ."

Are You New UU?
Let's condense and clarify.  "To receive the Weekly Update and the monthly 
newsletter by email, contact . . ."

Children/Parents
". . . welcome and begin . . .    No comma needed.

Faith
Alternate wording suggestion:  "We gather in reverence and gratitude for our 
worship services and strive in these services to create opportunities for . 
. ."
How about "worship service OF music, story . . ."?     (The word "include" 
appears again right away.)

Interested in Becoming?
No comma needed: "with Greeter/Host or with Rev Kat

I think it is "Hearing Assistance Devices"





--------------------------------------------------
From: "Adeline Bailey via Worship" <worship at fuusm.org>
Sent: Thursday, June 01, 2017 12:12 PM
To: "Worship & Music Committee members" <worship at fuusm.org>; "Tabatha 
Hubbard" <blakesmom429 at yahoo.com>; <erbandherbs at hotmail.com>
Cc: "Adeline Bailey" <adesign at suddenlink.net>
Subject: [Worship] order of service folder for pilot program this summer

> Hello, friends,
>
> Today is your deadline to send corrections, suggested edits, etc. for
> the new folder we hope to try this summer. I have done some more work on
> the piece - reduced type size, added more info in some areas, corrected
> some typos that we had noticed-- and in general, I am happier with it.
> This is still a draft version; I need additional staff photos (Tabatha,
> Lela, Becca, Emily (kind of faked one of Emily-not very good) and good
> contact info for Becca Immele to request her photo (or take one), and
> Kat's edit on the Worship section. (I'm OK with the way the philosophy
> of inclusion fits now.) When you've had a chance to review the piece, or
> review this second draft, please respond with your edits.
>
> Thanks,
>
> Adeline
>
>



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